Image of the Day:

Dreaming Out Loud graphic poems by w.c. pelon. I think this ties into my entry below. Plus, his poetry is so eloquently and simply beautiful.

I always seem to have these weird transition periods in my life where I become lost figuratively. I’m usually never lost in reality; I always make sure I know where I’m going ahead of time to avoid sheer embarrassment. But figuratively, I’m lost quite often.

I know because I’m young I’m not supposed to know everything. I’m not supposed to have a full plan of what I want to do with my life and when, or know where I want to live and with whom. But for some reason, I feel this constant pressure to have it all figured out. All the time. It overtakes my mind so much that I give myself unwanted panic attacks.

I still live at home, and yesterday my mom and I had a discussion about finances and what I’m going to be doing when I graduate next year. I know a year seems like a long time, but for me the clock is ticking fast. I feel like I need a plan. I need to know what I’m doing with my life. And I broke down from being so overwhelmed with everything.

This is the second time in the past week that I’ve been questioning what I want to do with my life. There are moments where I feel like maybe theatre isn’t the right choice for me, because I’m scared I’m not going to be able to live. To support myself, or to even have the lifestyle that I want to have.

I know I’m being foolish when I say that. I know this is what I’m meant to do. It’s all I’ve ever known. But sometimes there is that shadow of a doubt that crawls in and scares me.

I think we all kind of have to go through stages like that in our lives. Uncertainty is terrifying and overwhelming and we tend to run away from it as a society. We all feel this pressure and need to have it all figured out, to have a plan. We’re told to save our money at a young age so that we have backups in case anything goes wrong. Going to university or college is now required to get a job, so you have to decide right out of high school what you want to do. And the reality is, at 18 years old, you probably have no fucking idea what you want!

We may never figure it all out. We might be figuratively “lost” forever. I’m sure there are people in their 40’s who are now re-examining their entire lives. And you haven’t wasted anything in trying it out. This life is about discovery, I truly believe that. Discovering who you are and what makes you happy and who makes you happy. And you only gain experience from risking and trying things.

We’re all find our way somehow.

Image of the Day:

Beauty and the Beast - Not So Romantic by Thomas Czarnecki. His pictures of Disney princesses with a terrible demise are incredible. Talk about nostalgia.

Oh god, like what?

A million dollars is my first thought, just because I know with the career path I’ve chosen that I probably will never have that kind of money. But money doesn’t buy you happiness anyway so that’s cool.

I guess maybe a house hippo? Man, I sound lame. House hippos are badass though. And I would really like one if given the scientific opportunity to make one. 

I don’t wanna be lame and say “true love” because I know in my heart of hearts, no matter how depressed I feel right now, that I will find true love. We all will, it just takes time. I saw a play last night about an elderly couple and the man was dying of some sort of disease and he professed such love to his wife, it was breathtaking. I honestly hope that in my life I find someone who is just like that: who loves me unconditionally and wants to be with me and all my flaws for the rest of my life. Isn’t that what we all want? I mean, I guess one of life’s ultimate goals is to be loved or to be in love with someone. We all strive for it at some point; none of us wants to end up being lonely forever. 

And so right now that’s what I want. I am in love but it’s not reciprocated. I just hope that someone loves me too at some point. 

Man I really wish you could suffer as much as I am right this minute.

I never thought I would be one of those girls; those girls who just bitch and complain and moan about how much they hate one guy. But now I am that girl. Because now I know what it feels like. And it fucking sucks.

And you know what? I never thought I’d hate you as much as I do in this moment, right now. This minute. I fucking hate you. But at the same time, I fucking love you. Toss up, huh? Fuck.

It’s like all the things I vowed I would never do, I did. I fell in love. What the fuck. What a foreign concept to a simpleton like me. Now we walk around each other, avoid it, ignore it. Brush it off. Act like it never happened. 

But I can’t act like it never happened. Like we never happened. Like I never lay in your bed with you and said nothing. Like you didn’t grab my hand when I least expected it. Like you called me all those names. Like you said I made you happy.

I can’t forget that. And neither can you. And I won’t let you forget. I will be there every day, making you remember. I will be flaunting my newfound happiness right in front of your face. Because I’m surrounded by people who love me, who care about me and who hate you for what you did to me. 

You broke me up and tore me down and ripped me open and now I’m completely bare in front of everyone, I’m branded with a mark of someone who’s broken and who cannot be healed. But I vow to change that.

I vow to get over you and stop hurting. Stop crying over you. Stop trying to fix this. Because it can’t be fixed. Because I can’t change you.

It’s me, I know that. I know that I fucked up and that I’m not what you want. But don’t choose someone else after not choosing me.

I want to fucking rip your face off right now. I want to cut you open and splay everything out for everyone to see so you know what it’s like to hurt and to feel like everything you’ve done is worthless and pointless and stupid.

So fuck you, you fucking fuck. Cause that’s what you are to me right now. You’re the person I love, but you are the person I would massacre if given the chance.

Image of the Day:

In the Flesh by Koren Shadmi. I discovered this amazing artist while on Donald Glover’s blog. He’s fucking amazing and his artwork is incredible. I’m a huge fan.

Long time no see, Tumblr. I have been super extremely busy. And even though I’m approaching exam time, I can’t sleep. So I’ve decided to blog.

I think at some point in everyone’s lives we have a moment where we wish to switch with someone else. Whether it be out of spite or just curiosity, we all have that moment. 

I have that moment way too often.

I usually wonder on a daily basis what it would be like to be another person. See things from another perspective, experience things in someone else’s shoes, things like that. The thought crosses my mind at least once a day. And sometimes it’s people I don’t even know. I’m just extremely curious to see how other people live their lives.

Even the simplest things: because I’m a crazy hypochondriac, I often wonder what it would be like to be in someone else’s body and to see if they experience the same chest pains that I do, for example. Or whatever the case is, I just wanna know what their body feels like.

How cool would that be, though? To trade skins with someone. That’s fucking awesome.

Just for like a day. To see what someone else’s skin feels like. The texture, the heat, the touch. So cool right?!

I’m getting off track. See what’s happened to me over the course of a month? I’ve gone insane.

Anyway, yes I have wanted to trade places with someone. Even for like a split second. I just want to know what it’s like to be another person and then slowly retreat back into my own body and the comfort of my skin that I love.

This one stumps me. It’s really daunting for some reason.

I think I would change my self-consciousness. I have this thing, I’m sure we all do, where I’m so conscious of what other people are thinking of me at all times. It’s gotten better over the last year, which I’m so proud of myself for but sometimes it’s consumed my life, especially in high school. I was constantly oppressed by others and was aware of what they were thinking of me. I used to have periods of time in high school when someone looking at me would make me go into a full-fledged panic attack. I also have really bad anxiety, so I would probably change that too.

I really hate that I’m conscious of others. Ignoring people is easier said than done. But as I’ve become more confident and more self-aware, I really could care less about what people think about me. Right now, I care more about who I’ve hooked up with and what they think of me.

I guess in general I would change my worrying. Just all the worrying that I do becomes overwhelming at times and it really bugs me. To have these constant thoughts of what could happen really gets annoying.

And honestly, who really does care what anyone thinks? I mean, 99% of the time they’re just jealous of you anyway. So relish in that. Bask in that jealousy, I say. Might as well. You have something that someone else wants, and be proud of that.

That’s what I’ve trained myself to think anyway. I mean, I don’t walk around like a bitch or anything, but I hold my head high and have confidence in myself. So what if I trip and fall on the sidewalk? Maybe that was my intention all along…

Anyway. I guess that’s what I would change if I had to start over from birth, among other things. 

Show me. Where is this “love”?

I can’t see it, I can’t touch it, I can’t feel it.

I can hear it, I can hear some words but I can’t do anything with your easy words.

- Alice, Closer

(via wealwayswill)